the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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