Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
