I was born with a shot glass in my hand
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
