Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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