Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
