i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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