girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
