Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
