I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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