currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
