There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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