remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
