you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
