Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
