I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
me + whiskey = a bad person
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
