Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
