Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
