neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
