youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My cat gives me a boner
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
