just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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