thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
