Sober January is a disaster.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
