hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
