So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So many bounce houses so little time
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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