I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
