Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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