I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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