Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
