i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
