from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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