My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
