i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
