go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
