Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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