i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
