my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize