Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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