Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
