I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
