I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
