just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
how does that bad decision feel?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
