you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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