Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So squirting runs in the family.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
