Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
