you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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