1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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