i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
