you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
