Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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