Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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