I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
