Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize