why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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